Jipped

Yesterday I had my first Drs. Appt since having Alexander and things sure didn't go the way that I had planned. Except for the fact that despite looking like I am still pregnant, I am lighter than I was before I started this journey.

Everything was fine until the Dr asked if I was nursing or giving formula. I knew we were going to have this talk, but it didn't make it any easier. He told me that he wanted to switch me to a pill, but that there was no way I could continue breastfeeding. So I suggested that I just switch off of heparin back to the lovenox. That is what the original plan was anyways. But then he tells me that Lovenox isn't proven safe or unsafe and tells me I should just switch to formula to be safe. Now don't get me wrong, if its not safe I understand that. But shoot me for wanting to do what is only natural. I didn't get the chance to with Anthony. He was bottle fed in the NICU and was never able to latch on after that. And Alex and I struggled at first, but now that hes got the hang of it, they tell me I have to stop. I want to scream at them. Thanks for not telling me that this was going to happen. I had asked about the heparin being safe, and I knew coumadin was not safe. However I am reading that some Drs. say it is. I'm not willing to take that chance.

So after this weekend, we will be making the switch over to formula. And yes, I am heartbroken. It might not make sense to anyone, but it really does upset me. When they told me that I shouldn't have anymore kids, I was devastated. So I put it in my head that I would get everything right this time. After all it was my last chance. And now I cant do this.

I am going to be more positive and be thankful for the (short) 2 weeks that I was able to nurse him. Somehow the late nights and struggles to get him to latch on properly seem so small. And the stares and smiles he gives me when he eats will be remembered. I am thankful that he is here and healthy. That I was able to carry him inside me for as long as I did. Yeah they jipped me on that too ;) But he is perfect and I am just going to have to accept what needs to be done. After all, I need to be here to enjoy them. So we do what he have to do.