I go back a lot to the day Alex was born. I remember him so tiny and so hungry. But he wouldn't latch on. I blamed myself and though I had to be doing something wrong. Our Pediatrician came in checked him out, and tried to help me get him latched on. I swear to this day it was all just a test of my will. She assured me that he was getting what he needed and things would start to get better. I was pretty sure the kid was going to starve.
I also remember the first time he latched on really good. It had been a long night of frustration for the both of us. So I brought him back upstairs to nap. I was sitting in bed just praying for things to get better. And just like that, he was latched on. He gave me the sweetest look. It set my heart at easy and made every bit of frustration disappear. Then of course after we got settled in our new adventure, my Dr tells me its not compatible for the medication he is switching me to. Enter our first B'feeding crisis. A rush for bottles and many tears shed. Alex hated the bottles. He would only take one from MIL. And after about two weeks of getting prepared to make the switch, our Pedi tells me that my medication is perfectly safe while breastfeeding. I was so angry. Beyond angry. By then, he had adjusted to the bottle and I thought he was going to have a hard time coming back to the boob. Not my baby. He was so happy to be back. I could feel how relaxed he would get, he just sunk right in to my arms.
Then came a liver biopsy, MRI's and surgery to remove a tumor from my neck. When I woke up from my biopsy, I could hear him crying. And I knew what he was crying for. But because of anesthesia I couldn't nurse. And 2 days later when I could again, I had an MRI that meant he would have to wait another day. At one point the whole on and off thing, boob/bottle thing got to hard for us both. I had people telling me to just give it up or that he was getting to big to be nursing. Cracking jokes that he would be 15 and still on the boob. In October we went down to the valley and had the boys baptized. I promised God I would always do what is best for him. He had a bottle of formula on the car ride home and I decided that it was going to be the last. I never bought formula again. Having it in the house made it to easy to just make a bottle. And we haven't been back since.
But that wasn't the end of our problem. Every new medication needs to be ran by Doctors and Lactation Consultants. I refused to have a Hida scan because I would have to stop nursing for 2 weeks. I finally got the OK to start my Xifaxan for my H.E. and then was told I need to take Zinc. Well it turns out that less that 50mg is safe, but the Dr. prescribed 50 mg, so here I am debating again, to wean or not to wean.
Moments like this will stay in my heart forever.
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