100 days

For the last 100 days I have been waiting for a very important phone call. I have kept my phone charged, or near a charger. I've answered almost every call. My stomach jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day. And before bed I wonder if tonight is the night. But still no call. For 100 days I have been listed on the UNOS liver transplant list.

Most days I am able to convince myself that its a good thing to have come this far. I should be blessed to still be as healthy and active as I am. Every day I remind myself to be thankful just to be here with my family for one more day. After all, I am not the only one waiting. I am not the sickest, the oldest or the youngest. There are people who wait years before getting their call. And there are some die waiting. I don't want to be either of thoes people.

But how much control do I really have over my time? Liver disease doesn't care about what I want or need. One day I am fine and the next day I feel like I've already have one foot in the ground. Most days I have to force myself out of bed, paint a smile on my face and put on my "I'm fine" show. And I spend the better half of the day trying not to lose my cool. What I'd really like to do is spend a few days in bed. Or better yet at spa. Yes that's it.

So anyways, before I go to sleep, I'm wishing myself a happy 100th day. Praying the call comes not to soon or to late but rather at just the right time. I look forward to just being me again. I am ready!

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