Let me off

I woke up one day on a roller coaster, I never planned on getting on.  But I'm here, trying to hold on.  The curves when you least expect it.  The amazing highs and the gut wrenching lows.  And now, a free fall.  Right into reality.  You see, the past few weeks I have been so busy and that I forgot I was even sick.  Its like I just turned myself off and did what needed to be done.  Nothing more, maybe a little less, but enough to get though the days.  I ignored the pain and fatigue.  Forgot to eat and take my medication on time.  It was like I was carefree and healthy.  And then the floor dropped our from underneath me.  Again.

So what changed?  What triggers these ups and downs? Its always somthing small.  Like saturday night, watching David enjoy his nice cold beer and thinking, damn that looks good.  Im no lush.  But sometimes a beer sounds so good. I get online ans hear about people curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and Im just curled up in pain.  Jealous?  Bitter?  Just a little.  

There I was laying in bed.  Trying to get comfortable.  And trying to decide if I should take Ant to bed or not.  I miss the days when I felt strong.  When I was working I tossed around 50lb bags of supplies like nothing.  And now I was dreading carrying all 36lb of him.  The fact that I had to take a breather half way though the hall  really ticked me off.  And it wasn't the fact that his knee was pushing right into my gut, it was the fact that I can no longer just pick up my kid.  Yes I know he is 6 years old. But still.  If I am this week now, what is it going to be like later on down the road?

In the morning, after a whole night of worriying over what I am going to tekll the boys when I do get the callI just didnt even have it in my to smile when David told me he loved me.  Wait, what the hell am I going to tell the boys.  And with that, here I am again. Awake in the middle of the night, trying to make sence of the mess that is my life!

To be continued...