Accepting me for me

Its amazing what a few days of just thinking can do for you.  I have cut myself off a bit this week.  Mostly because I've been sick and this cold just kicked my butt, but also because I was bursting at the seams with emotions.

I kept going over in my head trying to figure out what it was that has been eating away at me.  I've gone though every emotion known to man and probably a few I just made up.  Highs and lows and every in between.  I thought way back when I though I was to broken to let anyone in.  I was an empty shell for years.  Everything I am going though now is nothing compared to the hell of those years.  

I thought of the highlights.  David.  My boys.  Being surrounded by a happiness I never felt worthy of.  Sitting in the church as we baptized the boys and promising to always do right by them. At the time I was in denial of even being sick. My life was falling apart around me, but there in the church, my heart was at peace.  A first for me.  I keep saying I want to go back, but honestly part of me still feels...unworthy? I don't know.  I need to change that.  Id like to feel that peace again.

I took a good long look at how far I've come.   I have accepted my past.  Whats done is done.  I've accepted that I am sick.  That doesn't make it any easier, but I have no real control over it now.  I am married to a wonderful man.  Who even though he is a man of very little words, his voice still gives me butterflies.  I am a mother to two very trying, headstrong and absolutely perfect in their own way boys. They are my everything.  I have friends and family who have been supportive and loving of me always.  Some old some new and some I've never even met in person.

For a second there I though I was having some sort of breakdown.  I've been depressed before, it wasn't that.  Then I realized, I was just sad.  Sad that things aren't quite what we imagined them to be. I feel like there is so much that could be changed to make things better.  But that's life.  I don't want my life handed to me on a silver platter.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I don't want to be stuck at home.  I don't wan to be sick anymore.  When I am better, I will be able to get a job and contribute.  Take some of the responsibility off Davids shoulders.  I will be able to go to all the wonderful events and parties that I've had to miss out on.  I will be able to get up and get out so much more.  Yes, I am just sad.  And I'm allowed to be.

But this is my life, for now. And I just have to accept that.  There will be good days and there will be bad.  But I am here and that in itself if a blessing.