Friday 5: Five things I miss most about my Dad

In a few days my heart will break all over again. Its hard to think that he has been gone for a year already. Maybe it feels like shorter because I still hear him correcting me over my shoulder when I cook or because my boys ask about him so often that it almost feels as if he is still here on earth.  One year.  Ten years.  The pain will always be the same.   I miss my daddy more than anything.  Not a day goes by I don't think about him.

1. I miss calling him at work.  Hearing "Communications.  This is Jim"  As we would talk I would picture his office. The money jar we would take change out of to buy something from the vending machines when we visited. The walrus "bone" that he was so proud of.   The emergency cigarette in a glass case.   Photos of us kids pinned up.  The smell of the office.  It was one of my most favorite places.  And for so many reasons.  He loved his job.  Losing it ate him up inside and I know it played a big part in his health failing after he left.  
2. I miss the Summer Vacations.  There was nothing more that this man wanted than to spend time with his kids and grand kids.  He had all these plans of places we could visit.  A few days before he passed we were talking about it all.  He said he would be better before next summer and then we would plan something big. Only its Summer and he is not here anymore.  It has been so hard to accept that.  
3. Dad sent the BEST care packages.  So much of what we have around the house, came wrapped in pages of the Kwaj Hourglass.  The boys bust out their Kimonos just about every day.  Alex prefers his snacks to the rice bowl Grandpa Jim gave him.  My little jewelry box.  The Marshallese Handicrafts around the house. Quite a few of the spices in my pantry.  I still have unopened sauces and things he sent that I have yet to use.  Not sure if I ever will be able to.
4. As much as it may have drove me crazy.  I miss hearing him say "Of course they did that!  They are boys" That was his answer to everything.  That and "well look at who their grandpa is"  I would roll my eyes and then laugh because its was true. I would always feel better after hearing him say that. Now it is what I tell myself.  When there are underwear hanging from the fan or they are acting up.  I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are just boys.  And when they comment on the weather or critique my cooking, yup...they hare his grand kids!
5. When it came to hugs, nothing could compare to his.  Not to soft and not to tight.  Just enough for you to know that no matter how complicated our lives were he loved us.  He would squeeze tight at the end and when he turned his head his beard would tickle my face.  Always followed by a kiss on the cheek.  I think this is what I will always miss most about him.  What I wouldn't do for just one more hug!

This week has been unbearable.  I have not been myself. Today the puppy chewed Alexs sneakers up.  The ones Dad bought Anthony and now Alex was wearing.  I have never cried over a pair of shoes before but these ones were special.  Then I imagined him telling me that they are only shoes. I will buy him another pair.  

Some days I am so angry that he is gone.  That he is missing out on our lives.  I wont get to tell him about Alexanders first day of school.  I won't open anymore packages in the mail.  No more hugs. I wont ever hear him laugh.  But I like to think that now, he can see it all.  That he sees all of us and all we are doing.  I think that he is happy when we are happy and sad when we struggle. I think he is still proud of us when we do the right things.  I know he would have a lot to say about how broken we have been without him.  I am hoping that this next year will be easier. I've been told it takes time.  That it gets easier.  I will try to remember that!