Hope for tomorrow

The past few days have been rough.  Sleep has been is hard to come by and my appetite is doing this annoying up and down thing.  I've had some really great moments over the last week.  And some pretty low ones.  Its crazy how different a hour can be from the one before.  I'm trying to figure out whats wrong.  Looking for a sign or a reason why I feel so out of sorts.

But then I have to remind myself that this is my life. Some days I am OK with it.  And some days I am just angry at the world.  I am sick.  I have a liver disease and I know it is only going to get worse before it gets better.  I look at all I have to be strong for and I get hyped up.  And then the pain sets in and its like a slap in the face.  Knocking me back to reality.

The pain in my side has only been getting worse.  A constant throbbing that aches so deep in my body. Hows that for a sign. A reminder that things are a little different for me.  I've had a few days of pretty bad nausea.  And today I'm just feeling flat out beat.  Been ready for bed since I woke up this morning.  The past few days I have been short with the boys and angry at a lot of things.  I'm not myself.  I've disconnected and I can feel the dark closing in around me.

Its the little things that pull me though. Things that remind me what I am fighting for. Today at dinner time it was just Ant and I.  We talked about school and what they have been learning.  As he was explaining it to me, I had a flash back to the conversations we would have when he was little.  Hes not that little boys talking about cars and toys anymore.  It was nice.  Something I think we both needed after days of driving each other up the wall!

Every year when October starts creeping up on me, I'm reminded of the days when all this started.  Five years.   5. I've been doing this.  The mood swings, the fear, the anger followed by the happy days and thankfulness. This round just seems to be more negative that positive.  I'm tired of all the drama and stress that have been piling up on me. I need a shift.  A change.  Something to pull me up for a breath because I feel like I am drowning.  

Here is to Tomorrow.  A fresh start.  Another new beginning.  A better day.