Today is real.

For many of you, today is best known as April Fools.  A day to prank and joke.  I will admit, I love a good laugh. Probably more than I should. But for me today is about so much more.  Today is the first day of April and Donate Life Month.  Which for someone who has been on the liver transplant list for 5 years now, is kind of a big day.

Has it really been five whole years of waiting?  That means that for almost seven years, I have known that one day, I been waiting, not just for my transplant, but for my illness to make itself known.  Right now if you were to pass me in the store or on the street, Id like to think you would have no idea I was sick.  If you were to see me walking the halls of the hospital with my brave face on, you would probably think I was only visiting someone or just in for a follow up.  For now, it is still invisible.  

Of all the truths and facts the doctors and I have discussed, the hardest thing for me to hear has always been "Its going to get a lot worse."  They tell me that my skin will yellow and my abdomen will swell with fluid that will need to be drained.  That the pain will be worse and the days will be darker.  But that in order to move up the transplant list, I have to be practically knocking on deaths door.  That is my reality.  That is what I remember when I wake up and think there is no way I can get out of bed.  Today may be bad, but tomorrow could be worse.  I am not promised a tomorrow. I have a right now.  And I try to make the best of it.

As much as I wan tot curl up in a ball and just wait for that day to get here, I think of all I would miss out on.  I have been blessed beyond words.  Even with my all my health problems, it is clear to me just how lucky I am.

There was a day a few years back when Alex was probably about one.  On this day I was feeling extra sorry for myself.  I had become this shell of a person.  Going through the motions of life. Emotionless.  I cried because I didn't want to be sick. I wanted to get out and feel the sun shine, I wanted to laugh and watch my boys play. And so we did just that.  

I remember constantly reminding myself to smile to keep from crying.

As I watched the boys play, tears welling up in my eyes. Just when I needed a laugh he says, "lets take pictures of our funny faces!"

 Alex wasn't up for the selfies, but I thought to myself, I just want to have a photo of the two of us
 together, just in case.  I tried to really smile, but the though chilled me to my bones.

And Even David humored me with a few! These are my favorite. In the 15 years we have been together I could could photos of us on two hands. And for those of you who know him, this is his best shot at a smile.

There have been so many days when he seems to know exactly what I need.  And he insists on getting us out in the sunshine.  Its amazing how refreshing the sun and some fresh air can be.  Not every day can be perfect but I have to do what I can to get though it.  So many smiles and laughs that I refuse to miss.  Happiness and love I have yet to feel.  This is how I get though the bad days. Hope.

Things have been slow around here,  I know.  I've been going though so much and instead of just getting it out, which was the whole purpose of this blog in the first place, I have been holding it in. I'm ready to start really enjoying life again.  And I ready to get back to sharing my journey here with the world.  Starting right now.

I'm going to get dressed and get my boys from school.  Hug them tight, kiss their cute faces and tell them just how much I love them.  What I love most, is that they will let me do it without wiping away my kisses and squirming out of my hugs.  Enjoy it while I can right!?